Recently released by Netflix, a documentary about Jim Carrey preparing for Andy Kaufman’s role gave me incredible conclusions. The film was called “Jim and Andy: The Great Beyond”, and aroused in me rarely-stirred emotions.
Namely, stepping into roles. Jim affirms us in his genius acting, showing his transformation into Andy. Not only he did transform into him, he became Andy, a person that he thought he was playing. So I wonder if I’ve always been a Sugar Babe? Or maybe over time I transformed into her? Could it be the pressure of the environment? Maybe the pressure of realizing dreams?
However, it’s possible that I became myself and before, I was just playing someone else. From a general point of view, I have undergone a transformation. Sugar Dating influenced me hugely. My self-esteem as well as the behavior, has changed.
From a brusque teenager who lacked acceptance in every way, I became a confident and assertive woman. In school always dumber and uglier than others. I have never shined (like a diamond). Always in the shade of stars, colleagues, who were richer, wealthier, more athletic, funnier etc. In particular, stacked with me that I’m stupid. They repeated, I believed it.
Like a typical juvenile, I was confused. The mixture of self-doubt and not knowing who I am, was dispelled by older men. They restored me as a girl, built as a woman and discovered my long-buried values. Suddenly, it all became clear, when someone appreciates you, you grow. It gives you a boost of energy that makes your confidence explodes. You want to please, you strive for recognition. Yes, I fell into this trap. Instead of developing myself, others have measured me by their matrix.I relied on their opinions. From the beginning, the innocent play of someone I am not, transformed me into another person. I became a flag on the wind of people’s assessments. Looking in the mirror, I saw a woman created by men and conventions. I created a perfect illusion based on the expectations of others. Queen of Facebook, princess of Instagram. The number of friends or likes on the social media enriches our image, make us look better in the eyes of others. The pressure of a perfect shot for Instagram has become part of my daily routine. It’s a current art of self-presentation.
I didn’t know what it was like to be real. Not being a teenager, not a woman built with illusion, be Oliwia. Who is Oliwia now? An open and honest person who knows her values and is aware of her weaknesses. I’m not afraid to go out to people with the truth about my way of life. Their judgment doesn’t make any impression on me. I don’t measure or compare myself. Not anymore.
The only thing left from my transformation is the attraction towards older men. With or without them, I know my value. What excites them the most? A woman who believes in herself, with astonishing self-confidence.
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